


not a bit tamed

by prettyfaroutman



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Anxiety, M/M, Panic Attacks, Recreational Drug Use, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-12
Updated: 2015-07-12
Packaged: 2018-04-08 22:22:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,233
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4323003
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prettyfaroutman/pseuds/prettyfaroutman
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“You don’t tell someone who’s having a panic attack to chill. You know that, right?”</p>
            </blockquote>





	not a bit tamed

**Author's Note:**

> Huge thanks to [aeternamente](http://aeternamente.tumblr.com/) for the beta and [genderific](http://genderific.tumblr.com/) for the hockey primer (everything I know about hockey I've learned either from her or from Hockey Shit with Ransom and Holster).
> 
> Characters belong to the wonderful [Ngozi](http://omgcheckplease.tumblr.com/); title is from Walt Whitman's _Leaves of Grass_. Hope you enjoy!

Nursey threw his messenger bag on the filthy old couch in the Haus den after a particularly nasty critique in his creative writing seminar. Apparently most of the rest of the class didn’t like stories about post-apocalyptic bohemian utopias, though he couldn’t understand why that in itself was reason to object to a story. It wasn’t that no one in the class made good points, it was more that the passages he was most proud of were some of the parts that the most people took issue with. And the only positive comment his professor had for him was about a line that he’d written without much thought. All the lines he’d put so much time into perfecting, not so much.

But Nursey was not going to let that bother him. That was why he’d come to the Haus; he’d promised himself a healthy slice of Bitty’s famous pecan pie, assuming there was any left, as a reward for staying chill through the critique, or failing that, at the very least a beer and a jab or two at Dex to loosen him up.

The sounds coming from the Haus kitchen were unusual this afternoon, though. The kitchen typically had three distinct and recognizable modes: 1. complete silence with the occasional clink of beer bottles or microwave oven beeps (when Bitty wasn’t at home) 2. upbeat pop music filtering through the small, tinny bluetooth speakers that lived on the counter (when Bitty was baking alone) 3. laughter, chirping, and general sounds of merriment and approval (when Bitty was feeding the Haus residents). On this particular afternoon, however, Nursey could hear low muttering from a few different voices, all of which sounded… worried? As he approached the kitchen doorway, one of the voices, low and gruff, stuck out to him.

“Just breathe. Chowder, grab him a glass of water.”

“Got it, Jack!” Nursey could hear the exclamation point in his voice, even in Chowder’s attempt at a whisper, and he smiled to himself.

“You got this. Just breathe.”

A southern lilt added to the mix. “I know this sucks, but you’re gonna get through this. Whatever you need, sweetheart, you just let me know.”

When Nursey rounded the corner into the kitchen, there were more people there than he realized. Jack and Bitty were both leaning over Dex, who sat with his forehead on the kitchen table. Lardo and Ransom sat across from them, and Chowder was diligently procuring the glass of water that Jack had asked for.

“‘Sup, y’all,” he said, slouching toward the fridge. Lardo glanced at him, but everyone else’s eyes remained fixed on Dex. “Somebody freaking out about their coding assignment?”

“Ugh,” Dex muttered, “not now.”

“Just asking, bro.” He pulled the pie out of the fridge, then slid open the silverware drawer to grab a fork. He noticed Dex flinch at the sound of the drawer and chuckled. Damn, that boy was wound up so tight. “Anyone mind if I kill the rest of this pie?”

He dug in without waiting for an answer, which turned out to be the right choice since everyone, even Chowder, seemed to be ignoring him.

“Here’s the water, Dex! I didn’t know if you wanted ice, but I can get you ice. Do you want me to get you ice?” Dex shook his head against the table, so Chowder simply set the glass as close to Dex’s hand as he could reach without nudging Jack out of the way.

“Do you need anything else? Tea? A beer?” Jack began again, his voice more gentle than Nursey had ever heard it. “I, uh… I have some experience with this, so if you wanted to, uh, talk, I could, uh…”

“Or Jack and I could walk back to your dorm with you,” Bitty added. “Of course you’re welcome to stay here if you want, but I know sometimes it’s best to just crawl into your own bed when you’re feeling down.”

“Man, Dex, this is even worse than normal,” Nursey interjected, his mouth still half-full of pie. “What, did you get a B on an assignment or something?”

“Fucking…” Dex began, his words muffled by the table. “Just shut the fuck up, Nurse.”

“Dude, chill. I was just asking.”

At the word “chill,” Jack and Bitty both turned and glared at him.

“I said,” Dex replied, his voice raising as he spoke, “shut. The fuck. UP. NURSE.”

Everyone else had now joined Jack and Bitty in glaring at him. Nursey held up his hands to defend his innocence. “Whoa, seriously. Every one of y’all needs to chill. What is going on with everyone today?”

“That’s it!” Dex yelled, jumping up from his seat at the table. When he turned around, Nursey could see his breath coming in gasps and tears streaking down his freckled cheeks. “I can’t take this any more.”

“Dex!” Bitty cried, wrapping an arm around his shoulders. “Come on, let’s get you out of here.” Dex turned obediently toward the door, but Bitty shot another dirty look at Nursey before leading Dex out of the kitchen and up the stairs. Jack followed quickly on their heels, and Nursey found himself holding his breath as he looked to the remaining folks to figure out what the hell had just happened.

“Not cool, bro,” Lardo said, getting up and moving toward the kitchen doorway.

Ransom shoved his chair out from under himself and followed her. “Just be glad Holster wasn’t here,” he added. “He would’ve fuckin’ kicked your ass for that little display.”

“What the…?” Nursey mused, perplexed. Obviously Dex was having a bad day or whatever, but didn’t everyone understand that this was just how they talked to each other? The others chirped them for bickering all the time, but this was a bit of an overreaction.

“Nursey…” Chowder whined, when it was just the two of them left in the kitchen. “Why do you always have to be so mean to him?”

“I just told him to chill! How is that any different from what I normally say?” He huffed. “I maintain that dude is way too uptight for his own good.”

“But… did you…” Chowder began, then stopped, clearly uncomfortable.

“Did I what?”

“I don’t think I should… ugh, I hate this!” He shook his head, causing his bangs to fall in his eyes. “I don’t know what to tell you, Nursey, except that that was totally _not_ ‘swawesome.” It looked as though that was the worst thing Chowder could think to say, and Nursey was taken aback. Chowder even looked like he might cry, but he abandoned Nursey before any actual tears appeared.

Nursey blinked, then tossed the nearly-empty pie plate haphazardly in the sink. The resulting clatter echoed through the empty kitchen.

“Well, so much for cheering myself up,” he grumbled.

 

* * *

 

**Text from Bits:** Nursey we need to talk  
**Text from Bits:** meet me at Annie’s?

When Nursey arrived at the small cafe, he saw Bitty, already seated near the side window with a large cardboard coffee cup cradled between his palms. He nodded a greeting to Bitty as he entered, ordered himself the daily pour-over special, and plopped into the other chair at the small round table.

“So. Bits. To what do I owe the honor of your company this evening?”

Bitty rolled his eyes. “I think you know why we’re here.”

“Let me guess,” he pondered, “you’re going to tell me that I need to give Dex a break, because he’s fucking stressed or whatever, and if I don’t agree to that then you’re going to guilt trip me by telling me how scarred Chowder will be if his d-men don’t stop fighting. That about the extent of it?”

Bitty shook his head. “Y’know, you may not think this is a big deal, Derek Nurse, but this time it’s not just about needling Dex like you normally do. This time was different.”

_Oh. Shit._ “Different… how?”

“You didn’t happen to notice that Dex was already really upset when you got there, did you?”

“I did. Wound up way too tight about school, as always.”

“Derek, he was having a panic attack.” Bitty paused to let that information sink in, and Nursey began to feel the weight of it. “When he got to the Haus he actually thought he was having a heart attack. Luckily Jack recognized what was going on and knew how to help him. But it was real insensitive of you to just blow that off. You don’t tell someone who’s having a panic attack to chill. You know that, right?”

Nursey tried to make himself look Bitty in the eye, but he couldn’t tear his gaze off the steam rising from his coffee. Now that Bitty had told him what was going on, he kicked himself for not realizing earlier. His sister Dania’s panic attacks had manifested a bit differently, but he still vividly remembered when hers had begun. He’d been in middle school at the time, and his typical younger brother behavior would no longer fly when they happened, so he’d learned how to recognize the pattern very quickly. He imagined what would happen if he ever said to Dania what he’d said to Dex earlier, and his stomach turned. “I… didn’t know he got those. I’m sorry,” he managed to say.

“Well, I guess Dex didn’t know either before today, so I can’t fault you for that. But now you know,” Bitty declared. “So I don’t want to see y’all poking and prodding at him any more, y’hear? The only reason Dex even agreed to let me tell you this was that I promised him that you’d give him a damn break.”

He nodded. “Is… is he okay now?”

Bitty sighed. “See, I knew your heart was in the right place. He’s calmer, but I’d still avoid going back to the Haus tonight, if I were you. Give him some space, alright?”

“Yeah, okay.”

Bitty’s chair scraped against the concrete floor as he got up from the table, and Nursey was left alone with his thoughts for the second time that day.

 

* * *

 

Through careful planning, Nursey managed not to see Dex again until they had morning practice two days later. Unsurprisingly, Dex avoided his eye as much as possible during practice. He didn’t mind that Dex was ignoring him, although it made their drills considerably more difficult. He could hardly blame the guy; he still felt the guilt of how he’d behaved the other day hanging heavily on his shoulders. He resolved to make sure that, if nothing else, he at least apologized to Dex. It wouldn’t fix what had happened, but maybe it would make Dex feel a little better.

As the rest of the team skated off the ice at the end of practice, Nursey tugged on the sleeve of Dex’s jersey. “Yo, Dex. Can I say something?”

Dex rolled his eyes. “What is it?” he asked, all exasperation.

“Man, I just wanted to say I’m sorry for the other day. I didn’t know you were having a —”

“Well, I was. I’m surprised you don’t find that just as hilarious as all the other things I supposedly can’t ‘chill out’ about.”

Dex turned to head back to the locker room, but Nursey grabbed him by the shoulders and turned him back around. “Dude, no way.” He met Dex’s eye as sincerely as he could. “Honestly, I’m really sorry, bro. That shit was uncalled for. It won’t happen again.”

Dex’s eyes flitted uncertainly over Nursey’s face, as though looking for proof that something was fishy. Eventually, though, he nodded. “Okay, fine.”

“Okay. We good, bro?”

“Fine.”

“Great.”

 

* * *

 

“You asshole! Fucking lightning rat!” Shitty yelled as Holster’s Pikachu zapped his Princess Zelda off the side of the screen.

“Bro, you were just standing there! What do you expect?”

Nursey and Chowder laughed, just moments before Pikachu destroyed Nursey’s character, Marth, as well. “Fuck!” he yelled, through his laughter.

He felt rather than heard someone walking up behind them on the couch. “Holster beating your asses as usual?” Dex asked.

“To be fair,” Holster replied, as he booted Diddy Kong so hard the character hit the screen, “they’re asking for it by name.”

“Owww! Holsterrrrr!” Chowder whined.

“See?” Nursey could hear the smirk in Holster’s voice and simply shook his head as Marth reappeared for him to begin playing again.

When the round ended and Holster began doing his weird little victory dance, Nursey launched himself off the couch immediately. “You want in, bro?” he asked, offering the controller to Dex over the back of the couch.

Dex froze for a moment, eyeing Nursey suspiciously. “You don’t have to…” he began.

“It’s no sweat. C’mon, I wanna see you kick Holster’s ass.”

“Ha! I’d like to see that too,” Holster laughed. “Try me, bro.”

“Yeah, okay,” Dex said, although he was still looking at Nursey as if at any moment the gesture might be revoked. “As long as I don’t have to play your pretty boy character any more.”

“Dex! Come on, bro, we talked about this,” Shitty said reasonably. “’Pretty boy’ as a derogatory term is misogynist and heteronormative as fuck. People of any gender can be pretty, and there’s sure as shit nothing wrong with it.” 

Dex looked away from Nursey guiltily as he took the vacated seat on the couch. “Sorry, Shitty,” Dex mumbled, his eyes fixed on the TV screen.

Shitty nodded an acknowledgement. “S’alright. It’s a fucking process for all of us, bro. Long as you’re tryin’.”

For his part, Nursey wanted to say something beyond Shitty’s polite correction. He knew for a fact that Dex understood what was wrong with what he’d just said, and yet this kind of bullshit still happened all too frequently. Dex’s failure of basic 21st century civility had become inexcusable, and unlike Shitty, Nursey wasn’t above publicly shaming him for it.

But then he remembered Dex’s tear-stained face from the other day, and the words stopped in his throat before he was able to speak. After he’d left Annie’s that day, he’d put a lot of thought into how he ended up acting like such a fucking jackass without even realizing it. Yeah, he already apologized to Dex about it. But if the guy could be on the edge of a panic attack at any moment now, Nursey didn’t want to risk repeating the incident. Better to just shut the fuck up. He shook his head, willing the cruel thoughts to leave his mind, as he perched above Dex on the arm of the couch.

“In the meantime,” Shitty continued, “enjoy yourself! Fuck, man! At this very moment you’re sitting in a room full of the prettiest goddamn assholes I’ve ever seen. Bunch of fuckin’ beauts, right here.”

Dex briefly glanced up at Nursey before returning his attention to the character selection screen.

“You think I’m pretty?” Chowder asked, squirming happily in his seat.

“Fuckin’ right, I do, you gorgeous goalie child.” Shitty leaned over and smacked a wet kiss on Chowder’s cheek.

Nursey chuckled as Chowder blushed furiously. “Aw, Shitty! You’re the best! Not that you guys aren’t also the best,” he added, looking at the rest of them in turn. “Just… you’re all the best!”

Dex had selected Mr. Game-and-Watch as his character, and was just about to confirm. “Just remember you said that after I wipe the floor with Diddy Kong.”

“Hey now,” Nursey interjected, “I thought we were agreed that Holster needs to go down. It’s for the greater good, bro.” _That can’t be interpreted as mean, right?_ Nursey didn’t know. All he knew was that he wanted to interact with Dex, but the only way he knew how was the way he always had — aggressive chirping disguised as nonchalance. Recently even small, empty exchanges like this felt like they required a heavy filter. He didn’t like it, but he didn’t want to risk the alternative any more.

“Bring it on,” Holster laughed.

Once the round began, it immediately became clear that Dex had no chance of knocking Holster out of his champion position. He was still beating Shitty, but Mr. Game-and-Watch had taken a couple spectacular falls already, and there was still a full minute left in the round. Once again, Nursey found harsh words on the tip of his tongue: _Having trouble with your basic motor skills there, Poindexter?_ But he stopped himself.

Instead, he glanced down to see Dex’s freckled face screwed up in concentration, the tip of his tongue sticking ever so slightly out the side of his mouth. He was weirdly cute when he got all intense like that, Nursey mused. And it didn’t take much to put him in that mode, either. Just a well-placed snicker, an artfully careless word, and he’d go from zero to sixty in the blink of an eye. Or, well, whatever ‘zero’ was on Dex’s intensity scale.

Nursey had never met anyone quite as intense as Dex before. He didn’t know how Dex even maintained his uptight habits, how he cared about seemingly everything so goddamn much; it looked fucking exhausting to Nursey. Another wave of guilt hit him as he realized that it probably was exhausting, which was why Dex could no longer handle it, apparently.

With just five seconds left on the clock, after a lengthy back and forth where both characters almost died, Mr. Game-and-Watch finally whacked Pikachu off the screen with a chair.

“Oh, what the FUCK?!” Holster bellowed, as the others shouted triumphantly. Dex hadn’t won, not by a long shot, but it was a dramatic end to the round that left Holster floundering.

“Dex. _Bro_. That was so chill.” Nursey beamed down at him. “Well fucking played.”

“Ha ha,” Dex replied, rolling his eyes. “Yeah, I get it. ‘Way to put the cherry on top of the shit sundae, Poindexter.’ Thanks, Nurse.”

Nursey paused, stung. “No, seriously, I mean it. That kill was badass.”

Dex looked up at him, his amber eyes flashing in the light. They stared at each other for a long moment, Nursey willing Dex to believe him, Dex contorting his eyebrows in confusion. Eventually, Dex broke the gaze and stood up.

“Here,” he said, handing Nursey the controller back. “I gotta go work on my CS assignment.”

“Bye, Dex!” Chowder said. “Text me when you want to work on that group project, ‘kay?”

“You’re a fucking legend, Poindexter!” Shitty shouted down the hall as Dex retreated. Nursey gazed after him, worried that they’d reached a point where he couldn’t even say nice things without upsetting Dex, but not sure what to do about it. “Nursey, get your ass back on this couch. Now who wants to see if I can tear down this punk-ass Pokemon’s reign of terror with the fucking yoga instructor?”

 

* * *

 

“Boy oh boy, Derek, you’re just batting a thousand today, aren’t you?” Dex sneered, as Jack launched out of his seat between them to grab more napkins. Nursey’s lap was drenched; he’d spilled his glass of iced tea on his chair when he joined the team at the cafeteria table, and now that he’d gotten himself a refill and sat down, he’d somehow spilled that one on himself, too. “Hard to believe you’ve survived this long with such terrible reflexes.”

By now, Nursey had become more accustomed to biting his tongue in Dex’s presence, so rather than lashing out in return, he simply said, “Yeah, I know, right?” and laughed at himself. To be fair, it was pretty ridiculous. He didn’t know why he was such a butterfingers lately, but he figured it was better to just go with it than to freak out about it.

“Honestly, though,” Dex continued, “how do you manage to do that all the damn time? Are you, like, planning a routine? Is this the beginning of the Samwell Men’s Synchronized Klutziness Team?”

“Come on now, Dex, is that really necessary?” Bitty asked from across the table.

“Because if there were an Oaf Olympics, you’d have gold in the bag.”

“What about the Olympics?” Jack asked as he returned, handing Nursey a thick stack of napkins.

“Nothing, Jack!” Chowder said quickly. He shook his head, eyes wide. “We’re not talking about the Olympics!”

“Yup, we’re just talking about how much of a doofus I am,” Nursey said, indicating the mess in his lap with a wry smile.

“You can say that again.”

“Dex!” Bitty and Chowder scolded, in chorus.

“No worries, you guys, it’s chill. He’s right. I’m a klutz. What can you do?” Nursey shrugged and leaned forward to give Dex a small smile.

Dex scowled back at him, but he’d come to expect this as well. It seemed no matter how friendly he acted, Dex was determined to hate him. It made him sad, the same way a shoddy pass did — like a missed opportunity. But all he could do was make sure not to be a dick again. Whether or not Dex ever chose to forgive him for being a dick before… well, that was out of his hands.

The rest of lunch passed relatively painlessly, with Dex occasionally prodding at him and Nursey resolutely refusing to take the bait. In fact, he avoided engaging Dex at all except as a polite response. _Just smile and nod_ , he reminded himself. _Smile and nod._

“Hey Nursey, should we head out? It’s almost ten to one…” Chowder asked. They had further to walk on Tuesday afternoons than the rest of the team, so they often left lunch together while everyone else finished eating at a more leisurely pace.

“Sure, let’s go. Catch you guys later.” Nursey grabbed his tray and stood up to leave, but the toe of his sneaker caught on the leg of Jack’s chair. He toppled, spilling the remnants of his lunch off his tray and all over Jack and Dex.

“Nursey! What the fuck?!” Dex screeched, flinching back. Jack ducked his head and swore under his breath.

“Shit! Sorry!” He righted himself and his tray as quickly as possible. “I’m sorry. Shit. Let me just — hey Bitty, can you pass those napkins over here?”

Bitty had already taken a napkin to Jack’s hair with an exasperated smile on his face. Nursey set his tray down to grab a napkin off the stack, and moved to help Dex clean up.

“No way!” Dex cried, shooing him away and reaching for the napkins himself. “You’ve done enough damage already. Just go before you somehow spill my drink, too.”

“Look, bro, I said I was sorry.”

“If you’re so sorry, get your head on straight and stop tripping over your own damn feet.” He frowned at the wet spot on his front, and Nursey slunk away toward Chowder, who was waiting by the dish return with wide-eyed concern.

The chilly winter breeze bit into Nursey’s damp clothes as they hurried across campus. “You know Dex doesn’t mean to be mean to you, right?” Chowder asked. “I’m so glad you’re being so much nicer to him lately, so I want to make sure you know that he doesn’t mean it. I mean, not that he _told_ me that? But like, I just know that he would never be mean to you on purpose, Nursey.”

Nursey chuckled. “You sure about that, Chowds? I dunno, man. Kinda seems like he hates me. Can’t blame him, to be honest.”

“What?!” he asked, horrified. “But why would he hate you?! You’re ‘swawesome!!!”

“Bro, if someone treated me the way I treated him the day he… uh…” He didn’t want to say it, as if the words would somehow make it more real. He cleared his throat and continued, “The day he was upset… well, let’s just say I’d probably hate them, too.”

“But you already apologized, right? And besides, you didn’t know it was any different than normal! How could he hate you for that? That makes no sense!”

“Doesn’t have to make sense, Chow. It just is.”

“He doesn’t hate you, Nursey. There’s no way. He just doesn’t.”

Nursey didn’t believe him, but Chowder spoke with such conviction that it seemed wrong not to let him have this one little thing, if it would make him feel better about the team, about their friendship. He shrugged.

“Whatever you say, bro.”

 

* * *

 

Nursey missed Dex.

It was all he could think about on the bus to their away game that weekend. Normally he and Dex would sit together, with Chowder in the seat behind them, peeking over every few minutes to share one of his enthusiastic observations. But this time he’d passed Dex at the middle of the bus as he boarded, trying to avoid his eyes and remain as chill as possible, and gone back to sit with Shitty instead. 

When Chowder boarded the bus, he saw the empty seat next to Dex, then glanced to the back of the bus. “Nursey! Come sit with us!”

“I’m good here, bro, but thanks.”

It wasn’t that he _wanted_ to avoid Dex, he just didn’t know how to be around the guy without pissing him off. Nursey knew not everyone appreciated his chill, but even those who didn’t weren’t usually bothered by it. And then along came Dex, this guy who was so fucking smart and talented and cute — _god_ , Dex was cute — and Nursey couldn’t even ask him for the goddamn time of day without him losing his shit. Of course Nursey wanted to help him chill out! He didn’t want the poor guy to die of a heart attack at 40.

But it had been almost two weeks since Dex’s panic attack (he hadn’t had a second one, thankfully, at least according to Bitty and Chowder), and no matter what Nursey tried, how nice he tried to be, Dex was still determined to get worked up over everything he did. He figured rather than tempt fate, he’d just stay away, despite Dex’s not-so-secret superstition about sitting together on the bus before a game.

That turned out to be the wrong decision. They were so off-kilter with each other that just at the beginning of their second shift, Dex got tricked by one of the other team’s forwards into passing the puck to him. Nursey didn’t blame Coach Hall for keeping them off the ice most of the night after that. Jack and Bitty were the stars of the show, anyway; Jack scored twice and Bitty once with the other on the assist each time, so they pulled a solid win despite Dex’s mistake.

On the way back, Nursey got on the bus first, and grabbed a window seat toward the back of the bus, letting his duffel lay on the aisle seat next to him. When Dex boarded the bus, he came all the way back to Nursey’s seat without hesitation. He moved Nursey’s duffel up to the overhead compartment, stashed his own bag, and plopped next to Nursey without a word. Nursey just looked out the window, trying to ignore the warmth of Dex’s arm against his own.

“So Dex, how are things with your schmancy new Ivy League d-partner?” Holster called as he and Ransom made a beeline for the seats across the aisle from them. “Did you get his number so you can keep in touch? I didn’t figure you’d go for one of those Princeton asshats, but there’s no accounting for taste, I suppose.”

“Yeah, I get it,” Dex grumbled. “Laugh it up.”

“You have to learn your partner’s voice, bro, that’s like d-man 101,” Ransom added helpfully. “Maybe Nursey could read you bedtime stories? Sing you to sleep? Get that shit all up in your subconscious.”

“Ooh, good idea, Rans. We should have a d-man bedtime story party up in the attic some time.”

Nursey turned to them. “Yo, guys? Just leave it. What’s done is done.”

“What’s this?” Ransom asked in mock-horror. “Nursey! Brah! Where’s the backup on our chirps? Your boy here was asking for it with that joke of a play.”

“Just leave him alone, will you?”

“Why the hell are you defending me?” Dex said suddenly, turning to face Nursey. “You think I can’t take it?”

“I didn’t say —”

“Jesus, Nurse, I’m not made of fucking glass, you know. I can take it.”

“You can, and you will,” Holster added, but Nursey was barely paying attention to them any more. 

“I was just trying to help, man. Sorry.”

“I don’t need your help, okay?”

_Chill, Dex_. The words sat on the tip of his tongue, but he stopped himself. “I’m sorry,” he said again, turning back to the window to resume his policy of avoidance.

“God, what has gotten into you lately? Why are you being so… so fucking _nice_ all the time?”

Nursey couldn’t help himself — he turned back. “You don’t want me to be nice?”

“It’s irritating as hell.”

“I just can’t win with you, can I?” It took a lot for Nursey to truly lose his patience, but after weeks of biting his tongue, he’d finally reached the end of his rope. “Why don’t you just tell Jack that you need a new d-partner? Or are you afraid that you’d never be able to find one because you’re so fucking uptight that literally no one wants to be around you?” He knew this was unfair, but he had said it and he couldn’t take it back now.

Dex’s eyes blazed. “Ah ha! I knew it! You may have fooled everyone else into thinking you’re so fucking cool, but I can see right through your little ‘nice’ act, so don’t even try, because it’s a waste of both of our time.”

“Fuck, Dex! I’m at a loss. If I can’t be nice — which, by the way, was sincere whether you believe me or not — and I can’t avoid you, what the fuck do you want?”

Nursey could feel the heat of tears building up behind his eyes, but he resolved to keep his cool at least until he could get back to the privacy of his own room. For his part, Dex also looked near tears.

“Avoiding…?” his voice had gone soft with something like disbelief. “Oh… oh. So you don’t even…?”

“Dex…” he began, but he didn’t know where to go from there.

“No, no I get it now.” He dropped his eyes to his lap for a moment, then got up and retrieved his duffel. “Maybe I will talk to Jack,” he mumbled, as he moved back toward the front of the bus.

Nursey growled and punched the back of the seat in front of him.

“Trouble in paradise, Nursey?” Holster asked. He and Ransom both had slightly shell-shocked looks on their faces.

“Shut the fuck up, assholes,” he answered, turning back to the window to hide his tears.

 

* * *

 

The next evening, Nursey was in his dorm room reading the same stanza of _Leaves of Grass_ over and over, trying to drown out the overwhelming feelings of guilt at his apparent inability not to hurt Dex. Like, _really_ hurt him. Being a sarcastic asshole was one thing, but letting down his partner…

Suddenly, a small figure appeared in his doorway.

“Yo, Nursey.”

“Oh, hey Lardo. What brings you to this side of campus?”

“You, obviously.” Right. Time for yet another talking-to intended make him feel bad about hurting Dex’s feelings — as if he didn’t feel bad enough already. “Dex came to the Haus today.”

“Yeah? He still pissed at me?”

She stepped out of the doorway and closed the door behind her, then crawled up to sit on Nursey’s bed. “’Pissed’ probably isn’t the right word,” she answered slowly.

“Well, that’s a first.”

“Yeah.”

He watched her, waiting for her to continue, but the silence stretched on as she bit her lip, thinking.

He set aside the Whitman paperback, then turned to face her completely. “You want to partake?” he asked, indicating the desk drawer where he kept his pipe and stash. “Might clear your head.”

“Mmm… sure, what the hell?”

She patted the bed, and Nursey pulled his shit out of the drawer and joined her.

They smoked in silence, heads leaned back against the wall, gazing up at the fluorescent tube light fixture in the middle of the ceiling.

Once he felt a pleasant buzz, he decided to broach the topic. “Larissa.”

“Derek.”

“You ever feel like everything you do is wrong?”

In his peripheral vision, he could see her tilt her head against the wall, considering. “Not really, no.”

He huffed a laugh, feeling the familiar rawness in his lungs from the hot smoke. “Of course not. You always know what to do.”

“I didn’t say that,” she began.

“You do, though! How do you do that?”

She shrugged, chuckling. “You know Johnson? He once told me that he liked me best of everyone on the team because I was the sage character that every good coming-of-age story needs. Whatever the fuck that means. But let me just tell you, bro to bro — I don’t always know what to do.” She lowered her voice to an exaggerated stage whisper. “It’s a facade! But it’s easy to keep up because everyone else around here is so damn clueless that no one notices when I fuck up.”

“You’re not helping me here, Lardo.”

“Did I say I was here to help you?”

He sighed and pivoted his head along the wall to face her. “Fine, why are you here then?”

She looked up at him from against the wall as well. “He misses you.”

The ferocity of the laugh that burst out of him took him by surprise. “Are you shitting me? There’s no way.”

“He does, bro.”

“Did he actually say that? Did he sit you down and look you in the eye and say, ‘golly gee, Lardo, I just miss Nursey so much. He treats me like shit, but I just can’t get enough? Won’t you please help me get him back?’”

“God, you _are_ an asshole.” Lardo sat forward and shook her head. “No, he didn’t fucking say that. But he did tell me and Chowder that you were avoiding him, with the saddest kicked-puppy-dog look in his eyes. Why are you avoiding him?”

She looked back at him with that steely, take-no-shit face that she usually saved for the final round of a flip cup tourney. He averted his eyes, but he couldn’t get away from the feeling of being pinned on the spot.

“I didn’t want to give him another panic attack,” he admitted. “At first I just tried being nice, but he was still constantly getting angry at me, so I figured I should just back off entirely. Turns out it doesn’t matter what I do though, does it?”

Her gaze remained on him, unwavering, but he legitimately didn’t know what else to say, so he just stared back. He could feel a resigned smirk on his face, but beyond that he couldn’t train his features into something more appropriate. The moment seemed to drag on forever, although he’d smoked enough to know that he couldn’t trust his perception of time while high.

Eventually, Lardo leaned back against the wall. “I suspect it matters a hell of a lot more than you realize. To be fair, this is me going out on a limb a bit. But I think you should try talking to him. Couldn’t hurt, right?”

Nursey sighed. “It’s not me I’m worried about hurting.”

“Yeah.” Suddenly her pocket buzzed between them. She pulled out her phone, then repocketed it quickly. “Bits just pulled a pie out of the oven. He says Dex gets the first piece since he tuned Betsy up the other day, but there’s plenty for the whole Haus. Wanna join?”

The thought of facing an angry Dex while high made Nursey a little nervous, but it was probably the right thing to do if Dex really was so upset. “What kind of pie?”

“You fucker,” she laughed. “Come on.”

 

* * *

 

If anything, the walk to the Haus made Nursey feel more high. He had a tendency to get cuddly while high, and Lardo was just the right size to tuck under his arm, so he pulled her to his side as a buffer from the cold. They walked in companionable silence together, and Nursey was almost able to forget that there was more waiting for him at the Haus than just a delicious slice or two of pie. 

The kitchen was warm and bubbling over with chirping and laughter when they entered. “Now, be nice, y’all,” Bitty was saying, “there wouldn’t be any pie at all tonight if it weren’t for Dex. He’s kind of a hero.”

“Hear hear,” Nursey called through the doorway. As he stepped in the room, he could see Dex just behind the table, giving him a wary look.

“Nursey! Brah! You made it!” Shitty called, clapping him on the back.

“Hi Nursey!” Chowder said, beaming. “I was worried you were… um, too busy to come over. But you’re here! Yay!”

“Yeah, Whitman can wait. It’s cool.”

“Here you go, Derek,” Bitty said, handing him a plate full of what looked like some kind of berry pie. “I was worried it would get cold before you and Lardo got here.”

“Leave it to Nursey to show up just in time for food,” Dex snarked.

“Dude, chill.” The word was out of his mouth before he realized what he had said. A tense hush fell over the kitchen. “I mean…”

Dex held up his hands in surrender. “Just… whatever, man. I’m really not in the mood.”

“Totally fair.” He took a generous bite of his pie as the rest of the team relaxed and began chatting again. Holster was telling Ransom and Chowder about the most recent episode of Game of Thrones, Shitty had commandeered Lardo’s attention and was expounding to her about something too complicated for Nursey to take the time to decipher, and Jack and Bitty chirped at each other mercilessly, as usual. Dex kept to himself, wolfing down his pie as if he wanted to spend as little time eating as possible. Nursey briefly weighed the pros and cons of talking to Dex with everyone there, but before he made a decision Dex was up and bringing his plate to the sink.

“I gotta head out,” he announced, turning back to the rest of them.

“There’s another piece left, Dex, and it has your name on it for being so sweet to Betsy.” Bitty stepped away from where he was already doing the dishes and picked up the pie plate, shoving it under Dex’s nose.

As Dex began to give Bitty some excuse about why he couldn’t or wouldn’t have the last piece of pie, Nursey polished off the last of his slice in two big bites. He sneaked behind them to put his plate in the sink, and ducked out toward the front door before Bitty could finish plying Dex to wrap it up and take it back to his dorm. Lardo shot Nursey a knowing look, though no one else noticed him leave.

He stood in the hall next to the front door until Dex emerged with a small foil-wrapped parcel in his hand. Their eyes met, and Dex looked as though he wasn’t surprised to find Nursey waiting there, so Nursey smiled at him hopefully. He could still feel the effects of the bowl he smoked with Lardo, which made it easier to ignore the tightness suddenly squeezing his throat.

They walked out to the sidewalk together in silence. One of Nursey’s favorite things about pot was that it removed all awkwardness from silences, no matter how long — but then again, he still wasn’t quite sure he knew how much time was passing.

Eventually, he decided it was time to say something. “I didn’t want to avoid you, you know.” He reached an arm around Dex’s shoulders, tugging him out of his gait. 

“Why did you, then?” Dex asked, his voice cracking ever so slightly.

“I didn’t want… I mean, I felt bad, after…” He couldn’t find the words to express what he was trying to say without making Dex feel even worse, so he took a moment to figure out the best way to phrase it. His eyes wandered to the trees across the river, and his hand wandered up to Dex’s head, riffling through his ginger locks that were a week or so overdue for a haircut. Dex felt tense under his arm, but Nursey was too wrapped up in his own thoughts to think about what that might mean.

“After my panic attack?” Dex guessed. “You can say it, you know.” 

“Yeah, that. I just… I didn’t want to assume anything. I feel like…” he sighed. “I feel like that’s how all this bullshit started.”

“I guess,” Dex agreed.

“I’m sorry, bro. Probably should’ve made that clearer. I mean, I did tell you at practice that one day, but…”

Dex huffed a large sigh, then squirmed out from under Nursey’s arm. “And what exactly are you sorry for? For telling me to chill out when I clearly couldn’t? Because I’m pretty sure you’ve been doing that all goddamn year, and you never felt the need to apologize before. Just because this time was worse doesn’t fucking excuse you for all those other times, you know.” 

Nursey stopped walking to face Dex. “Bro, I get it. I know I’m an asshole. I’m not trying to, it just… comes out that way. I don’t know how else to talk to you.” It was the closest he could come to expressing the strange ambivalence he felt towards Dex.

“You’re not… ugh.” He’d stopped walking when Nursey had, and was now staring hard at the pavement in front of his shoes. “I don’t even know why I give a shit, honestly,” he mumbled, more to himself than aloud.

“Dex,” Nursey said, grabbing his shoulders in both hands, “all I want is for us to be cool again. Were we ever cool? Is that even possible? Look, just tell me what you want from me and I’ll do it.”

It happened so fast that Nursey wasn’t entirely convinced that it had really happened, but one minute Dex was staring at the ground, and the next he was pressing their lips together. By the time Nursey’s brain registered _oh fuck that was a kiss_ , Dex had already pulled out of his grip again and begun booking it out over the quad.

“Dex! Dex!” But Dex only walked faster, ignoring Nursey’s calls. “Shit,” he muttered. He touched a hand lightly to his lips and sighed, before plodding back to his room, alone.

 

* * *

 

Nursey woke early, bleary-eyed, for practice the next morning. The sky was clear and sunny, which he knew meant it would be extra cold out, so he pulled his warmest scarf out of the closet and made sure to bring his mittens instead of his gloves. His lips still tingled with the memory of Dex’s brief kiss the night before, but he tried to put it out of his mind. Playoffs were just around the corner, and the thought of kissing Dex had already kept him up most of the night, so he couldn’t afford to let whatever this was between them get in the way of his game any more than it already had.

He fully expected Dex to continue ignoring him whenever possible, so he was surprised to find Dex catching his eye during warm-ups, his gaze somber but bright. They barely spoke throughout practice, beyond the necessary communication, but suddenly everything seemed easier than normal even without saying much. By the time Coach Murray had arranged a brief scrimmage for the end of practice, Nursey was afraid to look away from Dex, afraid that if he rejected Dex’s gaze, he would somehow jinx whatever vibe they’d found. It felt good, to be able to look at Dex without feeling the need to look away, without worrying that it might piss him off or scare him away. But they focused on the scrimmage, and by the end of it Shitty (who’d been on the opposing line) came over to them.

“Fuck me, you boys played hard today,” he said, panting, as he threw an arm over each of their shoulders. “We didn’t have a fuckin’ chance against you. I love it! You take some sort of magical defense elixir last night or something?”

“Just some of Bitty’s pie,” Nursey said with a smirk. “And a bit of herbal refreshment.”

“Ah yeah, that’s the shit right there.” He nodded knowingly. “You too, Dex?”

Dex shook his head, eyes still on Nursey. “No.”

“Well if you’re ever so inclined, you know where to go, brah. Seriously, though, whatever you were doing today? Keep that shit up. Fuckin’ beautiful.” He released the two of them and skated off, shouting to Jack and Bitty about the magical d-frogs, and Nursey and Dex were left alone together on the ice.

“I, um…” Dex began, his face red, though from exertion or embarrassment, Nursey couldn’t be sure. Before Nursey could jump in, though, Dex suddenly swiveled on his skates and fled to the locker room, and the spell was broken.

 

* * *

 

That afternoon, right before he knew Dex would be returning from his calculus class, Nursey dragged himself to Dex’s dorm. He settled in the small lounge just inside the front door, choosing the nicest looking armchair, and pulled out his Whitman paperback as a distraction, but he couldn’t ignore the unsettled feeling in his stomach as his eyes zoned out over the words.

People soon began to trickle into the dorm, and before long the entryway was boisterous with students planning their post-class afternoons. He didn’t have to wait long before Dex appeared, along with a couple of the other CS majors he talked to sometimes. Nursey hopped up out of the armchair and immediately tripped over the side of it.

“Shit!” _Way to go, Nurse. Fucking smooth._

“Nursey?” Dex asked. As Nursey found his balance again, he could see that Dex had startled still like a deer in the headlights. “W-what are you doing here?”

“I just… uh…” he trailed off, thrown by his own klutziness.

Dex waited a moment, but when Nursey didn’t continue he turned to his CS friends and muttered something Nursey couldn’t hear. They nodded at Dex and sauntered off, leaving him frozen on the spot in the doorway.

Nursey took a deep breath. “Look, before you say anything, I wanna start by saying that I’m not here to chirp you or piss you off.” He’d rehearsed this part of the speech, trying to figure out the best way to get Dex to listen. “If I accidentally do that, you just say the word and I’ll fuck off immediately. Promise.”

“Okay…”

“Can we talk in your room?”

Dex shifted his weight uncomfortably. “Uh, yeah, I guess. C’mon.”

He’d been to Dex’s room on multiple occasions before, but this building was known for its labyrinthine design, so he let Dex lead him through the various turns, up to the second floor. He could see the tension in Dex’s shoulders and felt the awkwardness of the silence between them, punctuated by various strains of music and peals of laughter emanating from the dorm rooms they passed. Soon enough, they reached the door with the familiar pennant and white board, on which it looked as though Ransom had doodled something obscene.

“It’s a bit of a mess right now,” Dex said as he opened the door. “I haven’t, uh, had much time to tidy up recently.”

From what Nursey could see, the worst of the mess was a few disjointed piles of paper on the desk, but unlike his own room, the floor, the bed, and the chair were all clear. He only just stopped himself from chirping Dex about being a neat freak, remembering his original objective just in time.

“No worries, bro,” he answered instead, closing the door behind him. “Can I sit?” he asked, indicating the desk chair.

“Help yourself.” Dex slung his bag and coat over the hook on the front of the closet door, then perched on the edge of the bed. “So, I can guess why you’re here, and… I’m sorry.”

Nursey took a moment, then raised an eyebrow. “You’re sorry?”

“For, you know… last night.”

This apology, especially given the context of the last several weeks, was the very last thing Nursey expected to hear. He couldn’t help himself — he began to laugh.

“Hey, asshole!” Dex continued, his face going bright red. “I thought you weren’t going to chirp me! Do I need to kick you out already?”

“No! No, I’m sorry,” he said, catching his breath and feeling the tension in his gut unwind. “I just wasn’t expecting that.”

“What the hell were you expecting, then? I know I shouldn’t have done it, but I’m not going to grovel for your friendship.”

“Dude, chill! _I_ was going to apologize to _you!_ ”

“Oh.” Dex met his eye, his shoulders relaxing almost imperceptibly. “For what?”

Nursey shook his head, trying to contain another chuckle. “Bro, I don’t even know at this point. All I know is that I’ve been fucking up royally lately, and you’ve been getting the brunt of it. Like I said last night, I really don’t want to piss you off. I’m trying to be nice. I just… kinda fail at it.”

Dex cracked a smirk at this. “Yeah, you do.”

“And before I say anything else, I also want to apologize for avoiding you. I didn’t want to, honestly. And I won’t any more. You’re my partner, man. Whatever else happens, you’re my partner and that’s the most important thing.”

Nursey felt gratified to get a true smile and an emphatic nod out of Dex at this. “Right. Good.”

“Good.” He took a breath, then barreled on, figuring he’d better just rip the bandaid off altogether. “So about that kiss.”

“Fuck,” Dex groaned, his face falling into his hands. “I thought you said you weren’t gonna chirp me about that.”

“That’s true. Didn’t say I wasn’t gonna talk about it, though. I want to talk about it.”

“I said I’m sorry!” he said miserably. “It was a bad choice. I don’t know what came over me. I —”

“It was a little disappointing, I’ll admit,” Nursey said, the chirp escaping him before he could stop it. One of these days, he was really going to have to figure out how to express himself without being a snarky bastard; today was not that day. “But it did clear some things up for me, in my head, and I wouldn’t mind trying it again. Give it its due, this time. If you’re still, y’know, interested.” He shrugged, hoping that he hadn’t ruined all of his good work.

Dex looked up out of his hands. His face was so red he looked like a human cartoon thermometer, ready to burst. “Are you fucking with me right now, Nursey?”

He held up his hands and schooled the smile off his face. “Sober as a funeral, bro.” Dex bit his lip, and Nursey slowly got up from the desk chair to sit on the bed, holding his gaze the entire way. “Swear to god.”

There was a moment where they just sat, staring at each other, before Dex launched himself at Nursey the way he had before. This time, however, Nursey was prepared. He smoothed a hand along the side of Dex’s face, meeting his outburst with a languor that quickly subsumed his anxious energy.

Nursey happily fell into the leisurely pace of the kiss. Before long, however, his conscience pricked at him, and he pulled back. “I’m really sorry. I was an ass,” he murmured, eyes searching Dex’s face.

Dex chuckled softly. “I kinda missed it, y’know.”

“So basically I should increase the snark whenever you’re feeling shitty?” he smirked. “That’s what I’m hearing right now.”

Dex rolled his eyes, then poked him in the side. “I don’t know why I put up with you.”

“Because I’m so sweet and loveable?” He batted his eyelashes for good measure. “Seriously, though, I don’t know why you put up with me, either. So, y’know… thanks, bro.”

“Shut up,” he said, and kissed him again.

Nursey tugged gently at the soft hair above Dex’s ear as he felt Dex draw closer, but when things began to get heated he pulled away again. “Man, you’ve really let your hair go lately. What are you, like five hours overdue for your monthly haircut or something? Trying to get used to it in preparation for playoffs?”

“Ha ha, very funny. I actually do have plans to go to the barber this weekend, after practice on Saturday.”

“Good thing, too. Otherwise I’d have to start calling you mop top.” Nursey combed his fingers over Dex’s head with an appreciative grin. He liked Dex’s hair a tiny bit longer like this, but he liked chirping him about it even more.

“I feel like I should probably tell you,” Dex began, sitting up straighter, “that part of the reason I’m behind on my haircut regimen is that I’ve been… well, trying to figure out if I need to worry about having another panic attack.”

“Oh, yeah. Of course.” Nursey’s heart sank, remembering the catalyst for this whole ridiculous mess between them for the first time that afternoon. “How’s that going?”

Dex curled up to cross-legged, settling in. “I mean, it sucks that I have to do that at all. But Jack and Bitty have both been giving me advice, and I went to the on-campus counseling center a couple times.” Nursey nodded, listening intently. “They gave me a number to call if it happens again. But for now I just have to wait and see, basically. I’ve been feeling better, so I hope that’s a good sign. I’ve been really lucky, all things considered.”

“But it still sucks,” Nursey added.

Dex nodded. “Yeah. Thanks for not… well, you know.”

“Yeah, I know. And for what it’s worth, if I’d known that day I would’ve not then, too. Doesn’t make it okay, but I want you to know.”

“Thanks.” He looked up at Nursey with a mischievous smile on his face. “Who knows, maybe this will help.” He tugged at the front of Nursey’s hoodie and moved in for another kiss.

This kiss quickly became more frantic, until Dex pushed him back against the pillow. With Dex’s weight on top of him, a thought suddenly struck Nursey and he pulled away again, gently panting.

“You know, I didn’t even realize something like this would be on the table for you until yesterday. Is this a new development, or…?”

“Not exactly,” Dex managed, though he was still nipping at the stubble on Nursey’s jaw. “But when you started avoiding me, I… well…” The sentence trailed off as he sought Nursey’s mouth once more.

After a few moments, Nursey pulled away again. “Yeah, but like —”

“Oh my god, Nurse, you seriously have no chill, do you?” He laughed, pushing up onto an elbow and staring Nursey down. “If you don’t want to do this, we don’t have to do this. But you gotta pick one: talking, or making out?”

Nursey giggled up at him and pulled him back down. “I think we’ve determined fairly conclusively that I’m better off shutting the fuck up.”

“Hey, you said it, not me.”

 

 


End file.
